PSVR’s Virtua Fighter Demo goes Terribly Wrong


Sony held a press conference behind closed doors early this morning to demonstrate the upcoming PSVR game: Virtua Fighter VR. On the stage a demonstrator wore the PSVR headset and as the house lights went down the audience anticipated viewing a live stream of the game. What happened instead has yet to be fully explained by Playstation representatives or the scientific community at large.

Video footage of the conference shows a series of sparks and electrical arcs that seem to center around the stage as the game stream begins. Initially the crowd seems to be impressed by what must have been mistaken for pyrotechnics, but has subsequently been ruled an unexpected malfunction. Seconds later Virtua fighters escaped the game-space and entered reality, causing chaos among attendees who, despite many years playing video games were unable to actually counterattack, execute combos or even effectively block. Within minutes the scene was a bloodbath as the Virtua Fighters demolished the health bars of nearly all journalists present. One survivor, Nathan Langbone of GameZeNewZe (New Zealand’s premier gaming news site) was approached by Virtua Fighter Corn Li, seeing what was happening around him, he quickly struck the first blow with a low, sweeping kick. With Corn Li stuck against the wall, Nathan utilized an ancient martial arts technique experts call cheesing; he rapidly repeated his sweeping kick, over and over, giving Corn Li no chance to move or act until her health bar was depleted.

Corn Li is mercilessly cheesed.

Professional fighting game analyst, Dr. Rock Hardbody remarked that this shameful but effective method was likely Nathan’s only chance to survive, “If you are able to back your opponent into a corner and repeatedly spam a quick and hard to block attack you might be able to cheese your way to victory, while it holds a decent chance to keep you alive it is not without cost; the survivors are often looked down on as there’s really no skill involved in cheesing. If Nathan hadn’t been up against a Virtua Fighter character who is 2/3 legs his lame sweeping kick probably wouldn’t have been as powerful, but then again everyone knows the sweeping kick is just a really cheap move.”

A shameful victory.

“…there’s really no skill involved in cheesing… everyone knows the sweeping kick is just a really cheap move.”

Footage shows that Nathan then hid in a closet while the remaining Virtua Fighters went outside to time each other while they punched cars to death.

Parking lot surveillance footage of two Virtua Fighters.

As of this hour the Virtua Fighters seem to have scattered, with reports indicating fighters have appeared in various interesting locations around the world wherever crowds are gathered. Humans are advised to avoid public areas, but most especially Japanese bathhouses, airstrips, docks and fish markets. If you hear up-tempo electronic music you are advised to leave the area immediately, and if unable to do so, move into the background and repetitively but silently make cheering motions.

Remain in the background, silently cheering. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ENGAGE THE VIRTUA FIGHTER.

Under no circumstances should you move into the foreground, or attempt to interact with a Virtua Fighter. If you notice a health bar above your head, or hear the words “READY?” or “FIGHT!”, you are in extreme danger. Nathan’s cheesing technique may help you survive, but most experts recommend making a fireball motion, then quickly running away while the Virtua Fighter prepares to block the presumed projectile. In the event you are unable to run or move quickly making a realistic “Ding-dong!” noise and holding absolutely still may convince the Virtua Fighter that the match has been paused, remain completely still and wait for professional assistance.

You can report Virtua Fighter sightings to @newsreparter on twitter
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Author: News Reparter


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