Legal drugs are all the rage, but it seems like drugs just aren’t becoming legal fast enough for “today’s“ “Millennials“ which is why the company behind terrible products like energy drinks mixed with alcohol and smokable potpourri are capitalizing on this need for (all natural and 100% legal alternatives to) Speed. But enough about whatever that last sentence said, I feel like somebody just said the word legal so many times that it doesn’t even mean anything anymore. Hit that “Read more” button for a totally legal serotonin high the FDA doesn’t want you to know about.* >>>>>>>>>
*That serotonin high comes from laughing at this article, this is a disclaimer just so its really, really clear that you shouldn’t consume, insert or utilize these fictional products or any similar (incredibly dumb) thing that undoubtedly actually exists.
2Cacao4Loco aka The Brown Nose aka The Swiss Miss
Kids love candy, but candy’s for kids! You’re not a kid but you still love chocolate, that’s why you should snort it instead! Choco-Snothole contains cocao, taurine, laxitives, powdered lizard(assorted) and is processed in a facility that also handles nuts. See it’s like cocaine but slightly better for you because it contains less gasoline.
Who says eyedrops should be calming? Booooorrring! Why Hydrate your eyes when you can HIGH-drate? Contains organic ghost pepper concentrate, stevia extract, Appalachian mint, and 10% of your daily protein. If you need something that lets you go from chillest to illest in a burning flash, Eye-o Oh-no! will turn your party dreams into real-life screams! *Not recommended for people allergic to metal shavings.
This is one banana that isn’t boring! A carbonated banana flavored suppository made from real banana, cockroach milk, all natural arsenic, pop-rocks, and recycled batteries. It gets the party poppin’ quick and keeps you on your feet for hours. Also available in horrific magnum size. Why do you punks like this stuff, it doesn’t even taste like banana. *Eyeroll* We don’t have to assplain it to you! Old folks just don’t get it!
This cool ring of plastic unrolls into a sweet “Earpole”; just snap it, jam it in and rock out. If you’re buying this you’re probably already a fan of our other products, or you’re just that level of dumb, or both! Your hearing is ruined from sitting with your head against the speaker at the concert and you’ve run out of places to insert metal, so you might as well pour some totes leggel durgz into those OTHER useless head holes. Made from whatever’s inside glowsticks, yak butter, poison ivy, mantis eggs(shrimp and praying), and legally edible amounts of plastic. Can you hear what the Thang is dripping?! BONUS: Ear-Thang glows in the dark so when you pass out behind the porta-potties you’ll be easier to spot! Ask for the Hellhole Earpole; Ringa-ding Ear-Thang! I SAID THE DRUGS GO IN YOUR EARS DUMMY!
A licorice vine filled with legal amounts of rat poison. First its sweet, then it’s OH GOD I CAN’T FEEL MY FACE. Goes in your peehole, ya idget.
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Just say no to anything in real life that sounds even slightly like the above fictional products.