Hi, I’m Michael Douglas and I’m here to announce my new film; “Bad Business”. In this movie I’ll be playing an evil businessman who might actually be getting tricked.
“Bad Business” is a departure role for me, and I know my fans are going to be really pleased with how it turned out. I’ve come a long way since Fatal Attraction and I’m honored to still be in the biz innovating and driving profit through market leading roles where I wear a suit and make money while probably seducing or being seduced by something while illegal activities take place. With that said let’s look back at some of the largest assets I’ve brought to this industry over the last several quarters.
1: Fatal Attraction:
This was a great one for everyone. I played a businessman who has an affair with an attractive woman who might have been Michelle Puh-feiffer. It turns out that I’m crazy or maybe she’s crazy. Either way I’m kinda a sleezeball but maybe I’m the good guy in this one. It takes place in an office, did I mention that?
2. Wall Street:
This is a classic wall street movie, it’s got illegal investing, inside trading and something about organ harvesting. Charlie Sheen is in it and there’s a spin-off where he dies in a car accident except he doesn’t die he’s sent into the future where now Mick Jagger is trying to harvest HIS organs! It was wild, but it really under-performed compared to Wall Street, which if I had to speculate is due to the fact that it lacked me as a businessman who has an affair while making money and breaking laws.
3. Basic Instinct:
Okay I always get this one confused with Fatal Attraction. Is it a sequel or something? There was a sequel right? Whatever the case, in this film I’m a businessman who is probably pretty legit but maybe still a bad guy. Either way I’m not the main bad guy because time traveling Charlize Theron is insane and wants to kill me with scary sex. Charlize Theron would have made a great terminator but boy was Terminator 3 bad. Okay did anyone see Atomic Blonde? I feel like I should have been in that and it should have been called Defcon: Wallstreet Never Sleeps. I didn’t actually see it but I definitely saw Basic Instinct and/or Fatal Attraction. I did see Species, which was basically a ripoff of this movie where they added Forest Witaker. Yuck.
4. Internal Affairs:
Okay this had to be a good one, right? From the title I’m pretty sure I have an affair, and it seems likely it’s in an office where I make a lot of money. I feel like my hair was slicked back in this one. I don’t remember if I break the law to make money or if I’m entrapped by my lovely costar. Either way this one is can’t miss.
5. Falling Down
Alllllright, the back of the tape says I play a salesman who gets fired and… wait that can’t be right, can it? Anyways it’s really hot and I go on a rampage. It looks pretty good but it’s not really my taste, I was never much for science fiction.
6. A Perfect Murder
Okay! This looks like a movie I was in! There’s some sex happening on the cover and my head is giant and coming out of the shadows and I look really intense and angry like… well it’s just kind of my everyday face. Alright, I didn’t see this one but I can tell you the twist already, I’m a successful business man but then MY WIFE has an affair! Take that The honorable Mr. (Knighted) Shaman Lon! Anyways, I murder them and I get away with it but there are parts where you don’t think I’m not going to, but I always do. Bruce Willis was dead the whole time., how do you like that?
7. The Ghost in (and?) the Darkness
Holy shit. Okay this movie is like “Jurassic Park” where I’m the bad-ass Australian guy but also the actor who’s literally the Australian guy who went on to star in the one with the Pterodactyls that kinda sucked. Also it stars Val Kilmer. He’s not my favorite leading lady but he’s pretty in his own way. He’s basically playing the same character he did in “7 Years in Tibet”. Anyways the movie is like “Jaws” but there’s two sharks and they’re both lions. It’s Africa and I’m a psychopathic businessman who doesn’t like killing but can’t stop doing it. Logistically the level of sweat in this film made it impossible to slick my hair back so I borrowed Brendan Fraser’s hair from “Encino Man” for this role, but I think I’m pulling it off.
Woah! That’s a sexy butt. Okay so the cover is just a butt and also there’s a little of my face peaking out from behind it and my eyebrows are doing a “Can you believe this shit?” look. I do not remember this film! I will be right back.
9. Black Rain
I play a Cop who gets involved in illegal business and also my partner is an karate guy but probably not one of the ones you recognize. It takes place in japan and I think it might have been the future, like the 80’s future where everything sucks because the world ended and now it’s all neon and smoke and cool shit. I dunno, that’s kinda everyday japan so maybe this is just a regular movie. I don’t know much more about this one because my role is actually played almost entirely by Kurt Russel wearing my face as a mask. It looks good though, I would watch this.
Okay I didn’t make this one. Seriously, I’d guess that it’s my CG likeness. Back in the day they had to build a puppet and it was really expensive and it was the size of 3 men so every shot with a human actor in it they had to stand really far away so the scale looked right. Now a days you just use one of those ritual daggers and bleed a little into the matrix and bing, bam, boom, a little demon magic traps your soul in a computer disk. It’s amazing, like did you see Spiderman? Any of them. He’s entirely CG. That’s why Tobias, Tobey Macguire can look like anyone. He was fantastic as the hobbit but damn that movie is dumb. Why the hell are his feet so large. That’s why he’s crying all the time, because there are no shoes for his giant feet. He’s walking in snow and through broken glass and shit. Ant-Man, huh? Looks dumb.
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Oh yeah, I was also in that David lynch documentary but I was so busy huffing red eye I have no idea how that turned out. I still have the ear though.